"A Christmas Story" ...3 word summary

1. Twas the night before garden elves got out of the Christmas workshop and a gentle sly ole Boffer spiked the eggnog. Then slowly staggered toward Santa's house on his skis. with a sack When suddenly appeared a jolly old sugar plum fairy

2. With magic dust to sprinkle on Christmas Squarefoot Gardens and the flying fearless fairies felt cold and tired and didn't have the wherewithal to finish the dishes or enhance their rudimentary readiness regarding Santa's smelly and tired assistants who went on strike because they wanted

3. all the reindeer drunk with eggnog When reindeer drink, they start to giggle loudly and fart candy canes. She wouldn't really say such a thing about reindeer. if she were telling the truth, really a she! Meanwhile, back at Ralph's Reindeer Ranch Rudolph belched loudly

4. (those poor reindeer) (They shouldn't drink!) Nevertheless, Rudolph had enough sense to say goodnight all. The next morning Rudolph felt like death warmed up and needed tonic to ease the upset tummy he (sic) he got from eating Martha's cooking. The scrumptious morsels were so delicious,

5. and incredibly rich that they didn't stop eating until the toy soldiers came marching in and threatened to confiscate the evidence over indulgence of bourbon fruit cake Drunk toy soldiers are known for banging the drums loudly and arythmically as they try to walk outside

6. with new Gilhoolies! The problem is Mrs. Claus was very upset that Santa's red sleigh blew a gasket while backing down the North Pole it also skidded to the edge of the hottub. The hot, steamy vapors damaged all the Christmas presents! So poor Santa

7. had to start hiding the open presents the way a guilty person hides the evidence before the fuzz could get the siren turned on and the bluelights from K-Mart came flashin' like crazy. Gingerbread men did appear out of the Christmas trees scaring the Dickens

8. out of boffer. who isn't full of BS after all! But Ebenezer Scrooge fixed Santa's sleigh. Santa thanked Ebenezer strumming his guitar. Panic! Santa lost his hat and his guitar pick and his teeth so...no singing What to do so he grabbed his Mannheim Steamroller

9. "Elves! Quick! Sing!" So they did as loudly as their squeaky little voices could manage! Their song was heard across the frozen tundra and all around the reindeer's hoofing hut. With wondrous warbles and true harmony that only God Himself could bestow. But then, from

10 afar, did a wondrous sight appear 'Twas Santa with 11 Pipers Piping and sackful of bibs to catch the messy stuff that fell from elves smacking lips after eating mince meat pies and eggnog shakes and Russian Teacake cookies Mel came by to find out

11. if Santa would be growing some mistletoe in Mel's square foot garden He was surprised under the mistletoe when up popped the first thing or last thing you would expect To see from such a great gardener- A WEED! Not just any

12. lame old weed, this weed was an amazingly rare specimen with magic, very powerful magic. It makes people happy and bright not grumpy and paranoid, like some grinches and Scrooges who shall remain nameless at the moment because it's impolite to speak honestly of the

13. powers that be? Yes, they be. Their number is legion, and their power is might. Instead of mighty. While spreading goodwill the world over they ran into a pile of five way compost comprised of grass, (sic) alpalca semilina pudding, garden waste, worm casts and elephant

14. doo. "Oh my!" he exclaimed, "Wonder of wonders! Just think of the phenomenal Mel's Mix we have found. Now we'll be the talk of the hooting hut! Woot, hoot hut we all exclaimed! Woot, hoot hut for garden parties and composter presents and cheap vermiculite.

15. plus compressed peat all mixed together. I can't wait to see the compost Santa brings I hope he also remembers to check BOFFER's spelling!!! Resuming our story, if you can spread Christmas cheer far and near then others will pass it along near and far.

16. ...spiked eggnog helps. and rum fruitcake and cranberry cordials to lighten the load that the poor beleaguered people carry on their minds in countries that have no Mel's Mix ingredients to help out their local efforts. Hark! The Herald newspaper reports that an elf was

17. was seen tip-toeing through the tulips. and flowering kale that made him sneeze and sneeze, until his nose up and disappeared into a box of Christmas decorations that were left by pure accident when the previous elf from Herald News went on The Tonight Show

18. to tell Jay "oh, no!! Not for me this is an absolute unmitigated disaster for Rudolph, Prancer and the fat guy. Woe is us!!! Whatever shall we do about it? Jay took the initiative and announced "I"M NOT RETIRED!!!!" only semi-retired and I'm happy

19. spending time away From the hustle and bustle of making a living. "It's not easy," being an adult in a little town by the North Pole, where the elve's friends party all night and sleep all day, until they pull themselves back out of bed.

20. And then they finally drag themselves to Santa's Shop to catch up on everything they were too busy to get done when they were also competing in eggnog drinking competitions. You can understand, then, why the bad smell permeated and clung to all of them.

21. The smell wafted through the workshop and into Mrs. Claus' famous cookie baking kitchen that had Reindeer poop cookies almost ready to drop from mechanical spoons built by Josh for the express purpose of making Boffer jealous as h--- Was he successful?

22. Yes he was! Aucontraire, mon ami! Easy there pilgrim nobody speaks French including most roosters that includes Boffer!! Anyway, the cookies were magically delicious but unfortunately caused socially unacceptable behavior. Ashort and friends joyously participated in a loud rhapsodical medley of showtunes. They also had

23. fun slinging melons at unoccupied sleighs that were waiting to be loaded by dirty little you know whats. Meanwhile, Blitzen shot an anxious look in the direction of Prancer, who, strangely enough, began tap dancing to Jingle Bell Rock. But all along Santa worried that

24. (sic) that he would lose control of (sic) of the team not because of overeating and drinking but because once he had bad Reindeer Poop Cookies. Because of that he reconsidered plans drive really fast so as to keep from having to hire a(n) nurse full time

25. after the inevitable need to change his bandages and give sponge baths Aw..poor Santa. But, we should realize that expectations sometimes exceed one's ability to comprehend the reality of a deer based mode of transportation Believe me, it's ridiculously difficult to obtain sleigh insurance

26. when you don't have proof of sleigh training or proper sleigh headlights. Not being deterred by silly requirements he, nevertheless began loading up the utility sleigh that normally carried vermiculite. This time however, it's insurance executives got wind of a nefarious plot to travel uninsured

27. and they anticipated, as they should, cancellation for clause, 758.3 Clause clause, because, of course, everyone knows about the possibility of Smelly feet during remedial driving class. Wherefore, thereto, howsoever, to wit, viz: smelly feet cause uncontrollable runaway reindeer. At least that's what they say.

28. I don't blame you for wondering what in blazes they were thinking when they insisted requiring proof of clean and manicured front and rear hooves and brakes. Sub prime conditions mandated addtitional assistance provided by some part time wannabe practice squad reindeer. And so it

29. becomes somewhat problematical if Santa will continue to provide his typical exemplary and outstandingly intelligent prognosis regarding the fate of all the world's children. So therefore it behooves all the elves on shelves to balance well while daintily sipping and observing the rules of etiquette

30. that were established in the original book published in a hurry when everything went bang!! But, never fear because the noise in Boise was nearing the end. It had begun when Comet blew it out his party horn that incredibly cold evening. The notes traveled

31. not, as expected, but fell flat instead of sharp so no one could appreciate the three part harmony from one horn. "That's Kenny G.," who gave lessons for free to all Squarefoot Gardeners and disadvantaged reindeer. After remedial lessons to Comet's son

32. Kenny was ready for hitting the very highest notes don't ask how...he managed it but it hurt! He had to practice, practice, practice in order to puff himself up get it right instead of missing the spittoon when he had to well, okay, SPIT!

33. This wasn't easy because Donner joined Phewugh! He missed Kenny's sandal by a reindeer's whisker. Prancer joined in as did Prancer. The twins tooted on their horns along with Kenny in such wonderful albeit tone deaf harmony, that they made everyone smile. Calendar conscious Santa

34. checked it twice to ensure that this untimely recess and motley crew would sing "Girls, taken for granted by neglectful boyfriends" while packing coal and sticks in for the bad little rug rats the world over. Then he summoned the sober elves (there weren't many)

35. for one final drinking party so they could drink all the eggnog -spiked, of course- at North Pole That's a lot of delicious eggnog!!! It's the aroma not the taste we like so little when reindeer go putt putt Peace To All And to all a squarefoot night.


(Thanks to LM, NR, and H for the proper ending.)

Amen.


And thanks to Boffer for summarizing.

Very nice! And thanks for the fine editing work boffer

That was so much fun !!! A true experience, and laugh!!! reindeer poop cookies.. manheim steam roller .... lololol just a couple of ones that made me glad I wasnt drinking water at the time of reading!! Thank you boffer for putting that together.

Ha-v-v