SFG's Funny Pages!!

A sticky thread that lists the scrolling jokes. That way when we want to send our 9 year old to school with some clean funnies and can't remember what Boffer put on the site 3 days ago...we can go look!

I second that!

Make it a third !! You have some good ones !!

Here you go, MM; it's all yours.

Posted 8/31/2010
The Clairvoyants' meeting was canceled due to unforeseen events.
I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.

Posted 9/1/2010
The man who fell into the upholstery machine is fully recovered...

Posted 9/3/2010
What's the definition of a will? (Hint: It's a dead giveaway.)
Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.

Posted 9/5/2010
More than 75% of the world's supply of maple syrup comes from where?.........................Canada
If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again.......... it was probably worth it.

A lot of money is tainted: taint yours and taint mine...
A bicycle can't stand up on it's own because it's two tired!

Posted 9/7/2010
Always remember that you're unique........just like everyone else.
Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become the expected?

Posted 9/10/2010
What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino?......................................el-if-i-no
Two snowmen are standing in a field. One says to the other : "Funny, I smell carrots too".

Posted 9/12/2010
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common........... They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.
What's the southern most state in the U.S.A.? ................................Hawaii

Posted 9/13/2010
What one kid asked another: 'What’s another name for a snail?'.......................A booger with a crash helmet!
You know you're a lousy cook if....your spouse thinks the smoke alarm is the oven timer.

Posted 9/14/2010
Why do the French like to eat snails?............................Because they don't like fast food!
What do you call a fairy who needs a bath?..............................Stinkerbell


Posted 9/15/2010
What do you call a peanut in a spacesuit?................................An astronut!
Why don't they serve chocolate in prison?............................Because it might make you break out!


Posted 9/16/2010
YOU MIGHT BE A CAJUN IF:.......................You won't eat a lobster because you think it's a crawfish on steroids.
"Beet ever so onion there snow peas legume."
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
Ham and Eggs: A day's work for a chicken. A lifetime commitment for a pig.

Posted 9/18/2010
All of us could take a lesson from the weather.......... It pays no attention to criticism.
Never take life too seriously................................ Nobody gets out alive anyway.


Posted 9/19/2010
You might be a Nascar loving redneck if ...............You pull into your driveway, and your kids run out with a jack and wrench to change your tires..............You get into your car by climbing through the drivers side window..................You refer to your family as 'the pit crew'.

Posted 10/01/10
What do cats call mice on skateboards?............................................................"Meals on Wheels."

Posted 10/01/10
A mother put a fire cracker under the breakfast pancakes............do you know what happend then?............. She blew her stack.

Posted 10/04/10
You know it's going to be a bad day when......................Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles!

Posted 10/05/10
You know it's going to be a bad day when......................You put both contacts in one eye!


Posted 10/07/10
If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
Things are more like they are today than they ever were before.

Posted 10/08/10
A mother was struggling to get the ketchup out of the bottle when the phone rang. Her four year old daughter answered the phone and said: "Mommy can't come to the phone. She's hitting the bottle."

Posted 10/10/10
Sign behind an Amish carriage: "Energy efficient vehicle. Runs on grass and oats..............CAUTION: Avoid exhaust!"

Posted 10/12/10
"Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing ever happened."

Posted 10/13/10
What did the bartender say to the jumper cables when they walked into the bar?...................... Ok you two, don't start anything.

Posted 10/14/10
It's no accident that stressed spelled backwards is desserts.

Posted 10/15/10
Confucius say: Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Two cannabals were eating a clown, one says to the other, " does this taste funny to you ?"

ha-ha. love it!

Glad you like that one my son told it to me. I have to say SquareFoot, my hubby is a huge SG-1 fan ! and my son and I bought him the entire series for Father's day, (shoot me now) he is a happy camper. So I get on here and what do I see? is there no place I can escape it?? ha ha.

Garden Angel wrote:Glad you like that one my son told it to me. I have to say SquareFoot, my hubby is a huge SG-1 fan ! and my son and I bought him the entire series for Father's day, (shoot me now) he is a happy camper. So I get on here and what do I see? is there no place I can escape it?? ha ha.

Hey, you can't escape the power and whit of Jack O'neill!

Guess not

Why is 6 scared of 7?,,,,,,,,,,,,,, Becouse 7, 8, 9 and 10

What goes "clop-clop-clop-clop-bang-bang-clop-clop-clop"? A drive-by Amish shooting.

Nonna.PapaVino

What do you call it when you cross a parrot with a centipede?
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A walkie talkie!

A blond business woman had just got on an airplane after a long hard day. All she wanted to do was sleep during the long flight.

Next to her sat a man in a business suit with a lot of electronic equipment. He turned to the blond and said, "Lets play a game during the flight."

"No, thank you. I just want to get some sleep."

"Come on, its easy. We'll ask each other questions. I'll ask you a question and if you know the answer. I'll give you $20.00. But if you don't know the answer, you give me $20.00. Then you'll ask the next question."

"No, thank you. Just let me sleep."

"Tell you what. If you know the answer I'll give you $200.00. But if you don't know the answer, you give me $5.00."

"Well, okay" she agreed.

"First question, 'How much does the Earth weigh?'"

The blond doesn't say a word, just reaches into her purse and pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the man. She then settles into her seat to catch some zzzz's.

"Come on, you ask me a question now!" said the man, waking her up.

"OK, 'What goes up the hill on 7 legs and comes down the hill on 5 legs?'"

Well the man searches with his laptop. No answer. Check online Encyclopedia. No answer. Calls on his cell phone to the Library of Congress. No answer.

While this is going on the blond is blissfully getting some sleep.

Finally the man digs out two one hundred dollar bills from his wallet. Wakes up the blond, gives the money to her and said. "I can't find the answer."

The blond folds up the money and puts them in her purse. And settles down to resume her nap.

The man wakes her again and said, "So what does go up the hill on seven legs and comes down the hill on five legs?"

The blond doesn't say a word, just reaches into her purse and pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the man.
-----
It just makes me giggle.

I think he's sat next to me a few times.

What did the Spanish farmer say to the chickens?










oh-lay!

Ok, this one is kinda long but I laughed for hours after I read it ... one word *removed* to make it acceptable .... oh, and it's a trucker joke ...

A truck driver was driving down the road and got stopped at a red light. While he was waiting for it to change, this blond comes running up to his truck, knocks on his door and says ...

"Hi, my name is Heather, you're loosing part of your load!" then returns to her car.

The light changes and the truck driver just shakes his head and drives on down the road. At the next red light he gets caught at, like it hadn't happened before, the blond comes running up to his truck and knocks on the door again and says ...

"Hi, my name is Heather, you're loosing part of your load!" then, again, returns to her car.

This time, when the light changed green, the truck driver raced to the next red light, jumped out of his truck, ran back to the blonds car, knocked on her door and said ...



Hi, my name is Drew and I'm driving a (word removed) SALT TRUCK!

I saw a cute one on another board today...

If you make a typo, the errorists will win.

Love it!

wncsohn wrote:Ok, this one is kinda long but I laughed for hours after I read it ... one word *removed* to make it acceptable .... oh, and it's a trucker joke ...

A truck driver was driving down the road and got stopped at a red light. While he was waiting for it to change, this blond comes running up to his truck, knocks on his door and says ...

"Hi, my name is Heather, you're loosing part of your load!" then returns to her car.

The light changes and the truck driver just shakes his head and drives on down the road. At the next red light he gets caught at, like it hadn't happened before, the blond comes running up to his truck and knocks on the door again and says ...

"Hi, my name is Heather, you're loosing part of your load!" then, again, returns to her car.

This time, when the light changed green, the truck driver raced to the next red light, jumped out of his truck, ran back to the blonds car, knocked on her door and said ...



Hi, my name is Drew and I'm driving a (word removed) SALT TRUCK!

Having lived in Southern California all my life, this joke was for a good few minutes, until I googled salt truck.
I forgot that it snows in other places, lol!! Funny!

FRIENDS: Never ask for food.
ITALIAN FRIENDS: Always bring the food.

FRIENDS: Will say "Hello".
ITALIAN FRIENDS: Will give you a big hug and a kiss.

FRIENDS: Call your parents Mr. and Mrs.
ITALIAN FRIENDS: Call your parents Mom and Dad.

FRIENDS: Have never seen you cry.
ITALIAN FRIENDS: Cry with you.

FRIENDS: Will eat at your dinner table and leave.
ITALIAN FRIENDS: Will spend hours there, talking, laughing, and just being together.

FRIENDS: Know a few things about you.
ITALIAN FRIENDS: Could write a book with direct quotes from you.

FRIENDS: Will leave you behind if that's what the crowd is doing.
ITALIAN FRIENDS: Will kick the whole crowd's a**es that left you.

FRIENDS: Will visit you in the hospital when you're sick.
ITALIAN FRIENDS:
Will cut your grass and clean your house then come spend the night with you in the hospital.

FRIENDS: Have you on speed dial
ITALIAN FRIENDS: Have your number memorized

FRIENDS: Are for a while.
ITALIAN FRIENDS: Are for life.

An Italian walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan officer. He told the loan officer that he was going to Italy on business
for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a depositor of the bank.

The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of
security for the loan, so the Italian handed over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car was parked on the street in front of the bank.

The Italian produced the title and everything checked out. The loan
officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest.

Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh
at the "dumb" Italian for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan.

Then the employee of the bank drove the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parked it.

Two weeks later, the Italian returned, repaid the $5,000 and the
interest of $23.07. The loan officer said, 'Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we
checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?'

The Italian replied: Minga! Where else in New York City can I park my
car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return!!!

Ah, the Italians - Bada Bing....

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the "Chicken Surprise". The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded, cast iron pot.

Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly, and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.

"Good grief, did you see that?"' she asks her husband. He hadn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.

Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.

"Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order?"

The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise."
(Wait for it.....)





"Ah! So sorry." says the waiter, "I bring you Peeking Duck!"

A big-game hunter went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law.
One evening, while still deep in the jungle, his wife awoke to find her mother gone.
Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother.

The hunter picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her. In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight: the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her.

The wife said, "What are we going to do?"

"Nothing," said the hunter husband, "The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it."